EXCLUSIVE: Los Angeles, April 1, 2012
Los Angeles City Attorney Carmen 'Nuch' Trutanich told the LA Weekly that he missed Saturday's Peace Officers Research Association of California's Public Safety Forum due to a 'scheduling conflict.' Not surprisingly, 'Right' was LA Weekly reporter Gene Maddaus' comment, noting that this was the second time Trutanich has 'ducked out' of public forums.
However, as the Dragnet can exclusively reveal, Trutanich did indeed have a scheduling conflict. While District Attorney candidates Alan Jackson, Jackie Lacey and Danette Meyers debated public safety issues, the Los Angeles Chief Prosecutor was 'sealing the deal' for a blockbuster endorsement from Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa.
Trutanich and Villaraigosa met at East LA's exclusive Ciro's restaurant where the pair enjoyed a lavish late luncheon of fresh fish that Trutanich produced wrapped in brown paper washed down with a couple of bottles of Petrus supplied by the Mayor. Afterwards, the two highest paid elected city officials enjoyed unbanded Cuban cigars from Trutanich's Office Holder Account.
"I am endorsing Carmen because he is the best politician money can buy" Villaraigosa said "Nobody in City Hall has managed to shake down campaign contributions like Nuch, he sets an example we can all learn from." he said, continuing "With a DA like Nuch in office, elected officials can get on with the important work of selling favors without some pesky busybody trying to indict them."
Trutanich, for his part, was magnanimous in accepting the Mayor's endorsement. "I am proud and truly humbled to accept the endorsement of Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, the first Latino Mayor of Los Angeles since the last one." Trutanich read from a carefully prepared statement. "When Antonio first told me that he would endorse me, my first question was 'how much?' but after we agreed that his endorsement was worthless it all went very smoothly." he said.
When Trutanich was asked whether Villaraigosa's endorsement could hurt his campaign more than help it, he answered frankly "Lookit, at the end of the day there are a lot of people who say Antonio is the worst Mayor Los Angeles has ever had, but lookit, at the end of the day I have to say that I know one mayor who was worse - Dick Riordan. Just look at the mess he made of that softball interview with Peter Tilden, he should have hit the kill switch as soon as that caller started attacking my record." he said.
A surprise visitor to the late Saturday luncheon love-fest was Los Angeles City Councilmember Richard Alarcon who also offered his endorsement for Trutanich's campaign. Paying tribute to Trutanich, Alarcon said "I thought that I was the sleaziest politician in LA, but Carmen, can I call you 'Nuch?' you have me beat by a county mile." As a tear welled in Trutanich's eye, Alarcon dropped his voice and said "Hey, if you win this thing, how about dropping this whole misunderstanding about where I live?"
Without batting a tear-laden eye, Trutanich suddenly grabbed Alarcon in a bear-hug embrace whispering in the Councilmember's ear "Forgetaboutit, I take care of everything, just issue a statement blaming a volunteer campaign worker for making a mistake." he said, adding "Lookit Richard, at the end of the day mi casa es su casa so who the hell cares about a technicality, it's not like you paid people to watch your YouTube video is it?" he said.
As the luncheon wound down, a waiter appeared nervously with the check. "I don't mean to be outa line or nothing, but who's gonna pick up the tab?" he said. Trutanich answered "Just put it on my tab," at which point Villaraigosa started laughing hysterically saying "You're a funny guy!" Suddenly the room fell silent, as Trutanich fixed the Mayor with a look that could kill "Funny how?" Trutanich said "What? Funny like a clown?"
Happy April Fools' Day!