Monday, April 1, 2013

Trutanich to challenge results of DA election

Dragnet Exclusive: Embattled incumbent City Attorney Carmen 'Nuch' Trutanich is expected to announce that he will be filing a lawsuit against 'multiple parties' claiming election fraud over his failed DA campaign.

In copies of court papers secretly delivered to the Dragnet, Trutanich alleges that 'the voters [of Los Angeles] were the victims of a vile and insidious propaganda campaign designed to besmirch the fine reputation of Carmen 'Nuch' Trutanich.' 

Trutanich asserts that the voters were deliberately misled into believing that he had broken an alleged 'Pledge to Serve' but in fact he did not sign that pledge with a number 2 pencil as required by the Croatian Council on Civil Liberties. 'The Pledge to Serve is therefore a legal nulity,' Trutanich claims, and as such, the voters were 'conned by the media' into believing that he had made a 'non-existent promise,' he says. 'I would never lie to you!' he stresses in a 14 page affidavit filed in his moving papers, 'not now, not ever, never,' he concluded.

Trutanich, who finished third in the DA primary election last June, asserts that he is now  'lawfully and rightfully entitled to a declaration of victory as of right' by 'election de novo' under the 'equitable doctrine of changed circumstances.'

In addition to demanding 'immediate installation as The Chief Los Angeles Criminal Prosecutor,' he seeks 'unspecified damages of $3.25M' to include 'reasonable compensation for the costs of new carpets, curtains, and a bronze bust of Joe McCarthy' that he purchased based on his 'good faith belief and detrimental reliance' on assurances that he would 'win the DA primary election outright,' by an 'overwhelming majority.'

Amongst those named in the lawsuit are LA's Best After School Program who, Trutanich claims, were 'unjustly enriched' by his paying them $10k in settlement of his $100k promise. Trutanich claims that his personal check was 'extorted' from his 'immediate presence by force majeure,' when in truth and fact, those kids 'never did nothing to earn my money.' He claims immediate repayment of $100k (plus interest) for his $10k check and that LA's Best purchase full page ads in all LA newspapers stating 'I am NOT a liar.' 

Trutanich has promised to donate any profits from the lawsuit to purchase rape kits to clear the backlog that no longer exists.

Experts differ on the chances of Trutanich's lawsuit succeeding. 'It's a first in LA politics,' said prominent criminal defense attorney Saul 'Better Call Saul' Goodman,  who heads up Trutanich's legal team. 'I have to believe that Carmen was robbed, and that money alone is inadequate compensation for the losses he has suffered,' Goodman said. 'He is the DA, that much is plain to see,' he added, also saying that he had taken Trutanich's case on a costs plus contingency fee basis, because 'the publicity is good for my practice.'

Others were less than impressed by Trutanich's claim to be DA. 'It is complete and utter bullsh*t, just like everything else Trutanich says,' said KABC talk show host Doug McIntyre, who spoke to the Dragnet on condition of anonymity.

If successful, Trutanich will be installed as District Attorney on May 20, 2013, one day before the City Attorney general election where Trutanich currently trails rival Mike Feuer by 28 points, according to the latest Survey USA opinion poll conducted for ABC Ch7 News.

'This is the turning point in Carmen's official re-election campaign that we've been waiting for' said a campaign spokeshole who may be looking for a new job before completely destroying his reputation. 'Carmen got a bum deal in the DA election, and now he's using every ounce of his part-time, night-time, unaccredited law school education to redress the violation of his integrity by fighting back in the court of public opinion where many folks are too stupid to understand political shenanigans,' he said, adding that 'With Nuch installed as DA the day before the City Attorney runoff, he'll win the runoff slam dunk and be the first San Pedro tuna factory worker to hold both jobs at the same time.'

While the mood at the Trutanich official re-election campaign is generally upbeat, contingency plans are understood to be in place in case anything goes wrong.

Trutanich is understood to have 'reached out' to family members to see if any are currently hospitalized in case it becomes necessary to 'partially suspend' his official re-election campaign should the DA re-installation lawsuit fail and he has to hide from the media, again.

In the event that no family members can be found who are unwell enough to be sufficiently hospitalized to give Trutanich a safe hiding place, it is understood that Trutanich will offer to pay for  any elective surgery requiring at least seven days hospitalization.

A 'Plan B' strategy is also understood to be in place whereby the former ambulance chaser slip and fall lawyer will make arrangements for supporters from third world countries (where his DA campaign video 'True Stories' went viral), to visit the US for organ donation surgery to allow Trutanich to partially suspend his campaign while he attends their hospital bedside.

Happy April 1st.


Anonymous said...

You left out the part about Paul Tanaka joining the suit and adding the Sheriff as a defendant (he's trying to get his Undersheriff job back AND seek declaratory relief in the form of a decree that Baca is, in fact "his bitch")

Anonymous said...

Very funny, not. You should be ashamed of yourself to say such horrible things about Nuch Trutanich and mock his family. Nuch is a hero to the people of San Pedro and the more you make fun of him, the more they will support him. No other public official has been so loved and admired as Nuch, he is even compared to JFK. You can have your cheap laughs now Berger, but Nuch is going to be your boss as soon as this lawsuit is over, and then you will be sorry.

Anonymous said...

Nuch was totally shafted by the media and betrayed by people like you who were only too keen to support him when it suited your agenda. You people turned on him like a pack of wild animals. Have you now shame or pity? How would you like it if your friends deserted you? I suggest you delete this disgusting article and write an apology to Nuch and his family.